When I set out to watch a movie I don’t look for something to entertain me. I look for something that will make me feel like the 2-hours spent in front of a screen have improved me as a person … or at least increased my pop culture knowledge in some vital way. I’d like to imagine that this desire is due to my superior quality as a journalist, but I really think it’s a psychosis dating back to junior high when everybody else was allowed to watch Rated R movies except me.
In an effort to make up for years of lost time, I go to the movie store in search of the great, formerly forbidden pop culture classic known as Requiem for a Dream. (Disclaimer: This search may have as much to do with my junior high-era crush on Jordan Catalano of My So-Called Life as a need for good cinema.)
So I find my way to the “R” shelf of the drama section and I’m all excited cause I’ve waited years for this very moment and then … the movie isn’t there. I just stand there and stare at the shelf utterly disappointed until a movie clerk comes up to me. He says, “Can I help you find a movie?”
“No, the movie I’m looking for isn’t there.”
“Well, I can help you find it.”
“No, you can’t.”
“Yes, I can.”
“OK, fine,” I give up. The path of least resistance.
Except that now I am stranded in the “R” shelf of the drama section of the movie store waiting for this dude to come back. I really want to see if they have the new season of Entourage, but if I go to the “television” section the dude–who promised to be gone only a second–won’t be able to find me. And while I am waiting several strings of seconds I pick up the movie Rockstar with Mark Wahlberg and Jennifer Aniston. Now if you know me at all, you are probably aware that I have a certain penchant for musicians of the rock variety. This affinity carries over to cinema (Almost Famous is my fave movie of all time). However, my intuition warns me that this movie must be awful. There is no way that an obscure-yet-not-arthouse movie with two big stars in leading roles can be good. It defies the laws of economics. I put the movie down.
The movie dude returns and says, “You were looking in the right place, Requiem for a Dream just isn’t there.”
“Uhh, thanks?” What was I supposed to say: thank you very much for making me wait for a movie i knew wasn’t there? I should’ve asked for a discount. Instead, I picked up the movie Rock Star and shuffled to the check out.
So what happened? Was the movie as bad as I expected? Was Mark Wahlberg hotter in Boogie Nights? You’ll just have to wait and see.
Check out the next exciting installment for: the actual movie review!
